My day was non-eventful - I went home to take care of some things with my grandmother's medications, took my car to the car wash, went grocery shopping and finished The Midwife's Confession. I had every intention of making it to the gym for an easy cardio day, but the book kept me reading until the very last page as good books often do. I don't normally post personal thoughts on my blog, but occasionally I do and I felt like I needed to today. I started this blog for a variety of reasons, but mostly for myself... so that in the future I'd be able to look back on it as a diary of sorts that held my favorite recipes and things that were going on in my life at the time, both the good and also the bad. I'll admit that the past few months have been very hard for me - graduating was a huge step in my life and I'm so grateful for the friends and family that helped me celebrate it. Afterwards, it was a different story.... for almost the past 2 years, I've been a graduate student. My whole identity revolved around classes, learning, working in the nutrition research lab and now it was over... and now that I was done there was one overwhelming obstacle in front of me... finding a full-time career.
When I finished my dietetic internship, I'm not putting it lightly by saying I had so much trouble finding a full-time job. I studied hard and passed the RD exam on the first try and then I searched for a couple of months before deciding to pick up a part-time job at the Gap. I went on numerous interviews where I received great feedback, but sadly was told they decided to hire a candidate with more experience. So many times I received personalized, kind rejection letters - which almost made things worse. There were really great interviews and really terrible ones. On one interview in particular, I was even told that they didn't like my voice and that I was too tiny... sigh. To put it bluntly, this period of my life was miserable - I felt so defeated every second of every day. I had followed my heart and chosen a career that I loved and it was getting me nowhere. I finally decided to go to graduate school part-time as it seemed like something that could keep me still involved in my field. When I started graduate school and received a full scholarship and graduate assistantship - thus giving me the opportunity to go full-time, it was the silver lining to all of my clouds and all of the challenges I had been through. I was able to gain valuable experience in my field, made wonderful friends and completed a thesis that felt like it took me forever and stole some of my sanity.
When graduate school came to an end, I must say that I was terrified. Of course, I couldn't tell that to people because I was afraid that no one would understand. I convinced myself that I wouldn't worry about finding a job in December as no one hires then because of the holidays. I went to Hawaii with my family in early January and started to worry. I made lists of what I wanted in a career and tried to calm myself and rid myself of my negative shadow - I'd been working part-time as a dietitian and had also worked as a research assistant - I had fabulous experiences and now a MS degree. I thought outside of the box and considered the possibility of moving within a 2-hour distance of where I live now. I did not see anything outside of this distance as a possibility for me as my grandmother is ill and I help to coordinate her care. Besides, she raised me as if I was her own daughter and she was my mother in almost every sense of the word. She nursed all my wounds and chased away my nightmares. In all of the world, she is one of the people that I love the most. Leaving her has never been an option for me and even this 2 hour distance would be rough on my heart...
A little time passed and things started happening, slowly but surely - I had a phone interview for a job that I didn't end up with and attended a presentation for another opportunity in another city for a job in pediatrics (my dream) to be told by the recruiter afterwards that I would be called for an interview shortly - only to never hear from them again. I fought to stay positive and kept moving ahead... applying for new opportunities, thinking outside the box, focusing on the things I'm doing now and somewhere along the line I felt my faith slipping, slowly at first but then more quickly. Ironically, I'm incredibly positive about every other area of my life and the multitude of possibilities that are there everyday... but not with this. I've been fighting to keep my faith, to stay positive, to believe in God's timing - but I'll admit it's becoming challenging and I feel the way I did before - completely and totally defeated. So much of my identity is wrapped up in being a dietitian, after all, I chose this career path because I wanted to help other people. I followed my heart and I've never once doubted that it's the career for me... I truly do love what I do. All that I feel I can do right now is to sum it all up in the words of Mary Anne Radmacher, "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
If you've read my random musings - thank you for listening... so now it's time to enjoy What I Ate Wednesday, which as always included lots of unpictured green tea....
|baked oatmeal with peanut butter & strawberries|
|hummus veggie sandwich with more veggies & sweet potato fries|
|mini larabar, so cute|
|dark chocolate raw macaroon with peanut butter x 2|
|greek salad with ground pepper & oregano|
|white cheddar mac & cheese... recipe coming soon!|
See you tomorrow with a recipe for baked oatmeal :)
What was your favorite part of your Wednesday? Any advice on how to stay more positive about my current situation?